Like… OMG… Who needs proper diction?

Let me just start this one by making one thing clear: I really, truly and honestly could not be less bothered or anxious about hurting any one of your little feelings out there.  If you’re reading this and finding yourself offended, chances are you’re a culprit and people think you’re retarded.  So don’t get mad at me for saying what I’m saying, get mad at your equally as challenged parents for not slapping the good sense of quality interpersonal communication skills into you at a young age like the rest of the intelligent masses’ parents did.

Vocal fry and “uptalk”.  Literally, the two ‘phenomena’ make me want to jam things into my ears and physically stop whoever it is that’s speaking from saying one more god damned word in that utterly nauseating excuse for linguistic expression.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then here’s a website you can read to familiarize yourself.

and a video for those of you who are too stupid to read.  You’ll only get half the story if you don’t click on both, so you should probably will yourself to suffer through a page of text to understand where I’m coming from.

I don’t know about you, but when I hear someone talking like this it immediately makes me 100% sure that I’m better at almost everything in life than they will ever be.  I mean for Christ’s sake, can you honestly recall a serious monologue, radio personality, businessman, television reporter or almost any other instance in HISTORY when someone wanted to be taken seriously and had spoken in this manor?  Probably not, no.  Because when you don’t enunciate and speak like the language is supposed to be spoken, you become this stupid asshole below, (who by the way actually existed and still does exist in California today, as there are some higher  educational institutions TEACHING EBONICS under the guise of ‘cultural appreciation and recognition):


Let me just highlight some examples and perhaps this will bother you as much as it bothers me.  The fact that this is becoming acceptable and even worse, NORMAL, is beyond my comprehension.  Inflections shouldn’t just be thrown into any part of any sentence haphazardly just because you want to hear your own voice change.

First we have Completely Uneducated Self-Proclaimed “Grown-Ass-Woman Who Knows and Is Owed Everything” But Literally Knows Next To Nothing And Survives On Welfare Without Applying For Jobs bitch.


Everyone has heard this woman try to sing at karaoke night right after she gave you a 10 minute earful on why you’re a complete racist if you don’t like Obama or want people to be drug-tested before receiving welfare.  Listening to her try to sing a Beyonce song while the stage underneath her creaks with the telling cries of wood about to break  is like trying to decode a whale call during mating season after dosing them with Ecstasy.  Just because notes exist doesn’t mean you should try to hit them all in every run sweetheart, that’s so like, not even fabulous…  not to mention grating on everyone’s ear drums but your own.  Shut your pie hole.  Forever.  It’ll help you with your two biggest problems: your inability to control the dumb things you think from coming out of your mouth, and your inability to control the dumb things you eat from going in it.

Then there’s “I Take Myself Super Seriously and You Should Too Because I’m Totally Special,  Have A Degree and I’m Totally Independent” Completely Dependent on Bank Loans and Parents Finance’s and Range Rover girl.Image

Oh this one…  The girl who thinks her having a B.A. means she IS B.A.  Sweetheart, you’re not a professional just because you have an income.  Your mom put your resume together, your friend recommended you for this job that you were hired for because you wore a v-neck and a short skirt, and more than half the time you don’t even know what you’re doing while you’re at work anyway.  Let’s just be real here, you’re not fooling any of the seasoned veterans of the industry that you’re calling peddling wares you really don’t understand with your self-proclaimed ‘cute voice’.  No one is going to take you seriously if you’re calling someone just to say that you’ve called them, and almost anyone with half a brain can tell when you’re just regurgitating shit you think you’re supposed to say as opposed to actually having a legitimate conversation wherein you LISTEN intently and when you speak, it’s relevant, not just some ‘office babble’ you picked up listening to someone better than you.  (By the way, no one likes the phrase ‘touch base.’  What the fuck does that even mean?  If you have nothing poignant to say, then just don’t speak.  If you want to speak to someone in the future, say it.  If you want to email someone in the future, say it.  If you have no intention of making any more effort in the matter than waiting a few weeks, calling back and saying the same shit you did before hoping some miracle occurred and the person you’re calling wants to do some charity and gives you a little business, you should probably not be on the phone anyway and wouldn’t have to ‘touch base’ with anyone.  You only ‘touch base’ when you have nothing of substance to actually contribute to anything involved, so stop with the bullshit county-school business lingo and learn what the fuck it is you’re actually supposed to be doing at work and maybe you wouldn’t have to ‘touch anyone’s base’ ever again.) They can’t stand when you call, and no one around you can stand when you speak.  Do us all a favor and quit.

Finally we have… and these stupid assholes are the worst of them all…

Stupid Douche Liberal Hipster Recent College Graduate Who Knows All The Answers He Got From His Macbook Pro/Maybe Dropped out in “Protest” dick


mixed with Likes Politics and Things She Knows Nothing About Because She Watches The Daily Show and Thinks She’s Informed Bitch


These two pompous pieces of shit will literally try to educate you on something you do for a living or even just finished writing a thesis on.  Why?  Because they adopt basically everything  on the god damned Huffington Post or by Jon Stewart or even worse, by Anderson Douchebag Cooper, probably mentioned offhand in a sarcastic rant, and then claim it as their own well-thought out argument, which sickens me.  I really hate arguing with most people who look like these two up here (and yes I’m JUDGING PEOPLE, get over it.)  They have this arrogant eye-roll thing they do whenever you try to actually make a cogent argument and digress from their ridiculous idealistic concepts of how the world “should be” and not how it actually is.  I’m sorry, but shit is just not fair and that’s the end of that.  There will never be a Utopia where everything works in perfect harmony like it does in your stupid little hipster movies, so you should really stop expecting any antics or little political temper tantrums you throw to solve anything at all.  That being said I’d like to just make my point a little stronger here by mentioning the [fairly shitty-speaking-people-that-I’m-complaining-about backed] Occupy movements.  That shit was the biggest waste of time in recent history and it’s not even humorous in the least how those incessant whining little twits ACTUALLY thought they’d get anything accomplished or were doing anything of importance.  By the way, I’m curious… what was it that they wanted?  Because frankly I don’t think there was ever one legitimate ’cause’ that they were all rallying for. It was more like the congregation of every starbuck-drinking macbook worshiping idiot college know-it-all who think that just because they graduated what we call “college” these days, they’re entitled to some swanky amazing job you’d see in shows they secretly love like Sex and the City.  Are we all forgetting the hardships and strife that young adults must go through, have gone through in the past and will continue to go through to get to a good place as a true adult, or (like everything else in the E-world saturated with instant gratification now,) have we all simply decided that success should be instantaneous and owed without any means of earning it?

No, educating yourself doesn’t entitle you to a damned thing, I’m sorry to say.  You educate yourself so that you have a slightly easier time PROVING YOUR WORTH in the professional world by actually doing things and thinking for yourself, which is like being born all over again into a new day of shit-swamps and bureaucratic sludge.  You start at the bottom, you get treated like shit, you work your way up and you enjoy the fruits of your hard labor AFTER WORKING for it.  College is not work and finishing College simply means you have a fledgling understanding of whatever the hell crappy liberal arts degree you decided to dedicate your hungover hours of bitching to.  Occupy was a poor excuse for a modern Woodstock without the cultural meaning or good music, and it was held in the wrong spot on the globe, because LITERALLY nothing was accomplished except for being in everyone’s way.  Congrats dipshits, you managed to inconvenience the blue collar workers of NYC who had to clean your mess up.  They’re the ones who had to deal with your bullshit, find themselves late for work and endure your ill-placed hateful, contemptuous stares and verbal attacks, not the rich guys who really didn’t even seem to take notice of you stomping your feet in the streets and pooping in bags because chances are they just telecommuted in to their E-Trade accounts those few days.  I mean really. That should say it all.  They pooped in bags.  And then just left them there!

So in conclusion here, (and I know I’ve digressed a bit,) I think I speak for a good many of the educated, actually intelligent masses when I say it’s time to grow up.  When you speak the way you do, with your stupid guttural trails and the completely unnecessary up-ticks in tone at the end of every single god damned sentence that you shit out of your mouth, those of us who don’t do that immediately view you as someone we’d likely not associate with because you sound stupid.  Sorry, but that’s just how it is.  You can’t talk like a Valley Girl and expect to be treated like Stephen Hawking.  It’s time to stop waiting for instructions and constantly being herded around by your parents, your bosses, by your social media influences; it’s time for you to think for yourselves and go to work or school because your job is to work or be educated, and not because you’re waiting to be handed something you really don’t deserve for next to no effort on your part.  Stop speaking like you’re not sure of what you’re saying, start using the language properly, and for Christ’s sake stop your delusions of being special.  You’re not special, you don’t ‘go that hard’, you really only operate within the confines of being a human managing to survive on the means you have, and frankly, you’re really annoying to the rest of us.

Oh, and another thing.  You’re not famous and your life is not a party.  Stop it with the stupid pictures of you pretending to be a rockstar at some 2 star club.  We all know you’re paying for your drinks like the rest of us.

Question of the day: Have you really tried your hardest to positively contribute today?

Confucius say: He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing.


– The Captain



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